putting it away

The last few weeks I have found myself focusing on things that are really quite silly. I have found myself not listening to the little things my kids have to say because I am to busy doing things like texting, or playing a game on my phone. These things aren't necessarily bad things to be doing but they seem to be taking my time and focus away from what is important to my kids. For me my little phone is kind of an out. However I need to make sure that I am not letting it become more important then my family. So I am going to give myself a challenge, and that is to put it away when I am with those that are most important.

Sick kids bug me!

This might make me seem like a terrible mom, but sick kids bug me. For the last four days I have had sick kids. They complain about hurting and then don't want to do what I tell them will help them feel better. They want me to lay by them. Really? Why would I want to lay by a sick kid? Then of course I get sick too. Well who's going to lay by me? Who's going to get me something to help me feel better? One of them was having pains in there side. I ask them does it sting? I don't know. Is it a sharp pain? I don't know. Is it inside it outside of your body? I don't know. Well if they don't know who does? If they don't tell me, how am I supposed to help? one of them threw up in the night. It was on the ceiling, floor, bed and on the clean pile of cloths that I had just washed. Why would you lean over the side of the bed to throw up after you already threw up in your bed. Why not just throw up on the blanket that you had already gotten dirty? Seriously! I didn't make the mess, why do I have to clean it up my throw up made it to the toilet. I do love my kids very much I just HATE when they are sick!

This dream

So for the most part my days are filled with laughter and joy. I can honestly say that I am happy. I am happy with were I am, and I am happy with were my kids are. However, there are days that what has happened just hits me and I realize that my worst fear in life came true. These are the times that I want to fall asleep and wake up and have this dream be done. I want to wake up with Mark next to me and it be September 11, 2010. I want two new dresses laid out for Niyah's baptism and confirmation, cause that would mean I didn't spend the whole night sewing and I got to spend it laying with my sweet Mark. I want to wait for him to get dressed and walk over to the church together, cause that would mean I wouldn't have to go back to find him. I want to watch him baptize my little girl, I want to hear him give that beautiful blessing and dunk her in that water, maybe twice cause her toe didn't go all the way under. I want to watch him confirm her a member of the church. I want to walk back home take pictures and eat all of the yummy good that was prepared and have a house full of family and friends. But my perfect day ended up perfect in a totally different way. I miss you Mark and can't wait till I can wake and run into your arms. But until that day please know that I am happy, that the kids are doing well, and that we love you and you are always in our hearts.

Hard work!

Being a mom is hard. I never feel like I am doing a very good job. Oh how I wish I could just say,"okay, its your turn" to there dad. But that's not how it worked out so I have to figure it out. I have to figure out how when I am about to loose it I can get a hold of myself and handle things the way I am supposed to. But its not so easy. Yes I am the adult but a lot of the times I feel like a child. I feel like I want to throw a fit and hit the walls. But then that would cost way to much money to always be fixing walls. Why do kids get to say that they hate me, but then if I say I hate you too, then I am a bad mom! (I don't hate my kids). I was told once that when I was mad at them to think of them when they were little and cute. Well I didn't know them when they were little and cute. For the most part I love being a mom. My children are defiantly a gift from God, sent to me at a perfect time. I couldn't have been through what I have without them. But it is still hard work!

My Berlynney Bug!

I got to spend the day with my niece. I love this age! I am so thankful that my family let's me spend time with their kids. I missed out on such a sweet time in life with my own kids. She talked non stop all day and said the cutest things. She played with my dogs and laughed so hard. She pounded on the piano and sang old McDonald had a farm. She was my little helper at the store and my buddy for lunch. She asks about my dad (Mark) all grave. She asked me if this is where we were married. I can only imagine what is going through her little brain. We talked to a guy at the cemetery that was setting traps, she immediately made a new friend. I can totally see why we are told to become like a little child. They are so teachable and loving to everyone and everything. Love my Berlynney Bug!

The Liahona

At the store today while my friend and I were buying books we saw this Liahona. We jokes how that would have been nice to have. As I've gone throughout the day I have been thinking about our modern day Liahona's and how I don't use them enough. Everyday we can take the time to read the words that were prepared for us in scripture. We can ponder and talk directly with our Heavenly Father through prayer. We can attend our church meetings and partake in the sacrament. We can also enter into the Temples. are just a few modern Liahona's that we have been given. Why did I think this would be nice to have? Why don't I use the ones I've been given everyday and be thankful for the guidance they give. I don't use these like I should in fact, I barely use them at all. I want to have the faith that Nephi had. I want to let the Lord guide me in my life, to show me the best way .

Starting a new chapter doesn't have to be so bad.

It has been 2 1/2 years since I lost the love of my life. It has taken awhile but I am ready to start a new chapter in my life. This chapter will have Mark in it just as much as the last but I have learned that it just has to be in a different way. Starting this new chapter has scared me. I thought that it ment that I had to leave Mark behind me, but I now know that is not how it has to be. I think about him everyday and that will not change. My thoughts of him are getting less sad and more happy. I love to talk about him and hear others talk about him as well. I love to share our story. I am so happy that I can share my story with others. This chapter just like the last won't be easy. I know that there will always be heartache and pain. I know that I have to work so much harder then I ever have. But I also know that my Heavenly Father wants me to be happy. I know that he wants the best for my little family. I am ready to be an instrument in the Lords hands. Let the new chapter begin! Mark, I hope your ready for this new ride.