Maybe it was a dream or maybe it was real!

Grief is a hard thing, and something I don't think anyone really understands. There are definitely some days even 4 years later that feel almost like those first few weeks that I lost Mark. I have been very fortunate to have had some dreams that have allowed me to have a few very real conversations with Mark. Today was one of those days. But man this one hurt but I know with out a dought it was probably the exact push or more like a huge shove forward that I need. (Mark was always trying to push me to be a better person and it was not always easy for I was able to lay with him but this time he told me that I needed to let him go and that I needed to move forward. And man did that break my heart. I don't want him to leave me! I'm not ready! As I went through the day the tears continued to fall all day long. But I also was able to feel a very strong unbreakable love from my sweetheart. I know without a dought that he wants me to live my life. That he wants me to be happy and to love! I know that my family is his number one priority. I know that he loves me and that he is mine forever. I just wish he could be mine right now but we both know he can't. I love him so much and can't imagine having anyone else. But I know he is helping preparing someone perfect for his family. But knowing all this doesn't make it easier. Maybe it was just a dream but these dreams sure feel real.

The Crazy Mom!

AM I THE ONLY CRAZY MOM? Being a mom is hard work! Being a single mom is a piece of cake! I claim crazy then it becomes easy. You can leave your kids and most of the time someone will bring them home. Oh man, it gets a little embarrassing the more it happens. Then it's really bad when your kid asks her friend if she can borrow her moms phone and the friend says, "MOM can Miyuki use your phone her mom forgot her." And Miyuki didn't even say that's why she needed the phone. Well today was definatly one of those Crazy mom days. Get the kids out the door to school (which by the way is never a peaceful experience). But really today it was only one kid cause the other two were sick, but still not a peaceful experiance. Then head to work. While on my way to work I tell my sister in law I can come over and cut hair no problem I will be up in Morgan anyway. Then get a reminder from the principle we have a meeting scheduled the same time. So I have to leave work a little early to get there on time. Cancel cutting hair and make arrangements for them to come to my house later. We meet with principle (dont you worry my kids are perfect!). Then I pick up my niece so my sister doesn't have to drive her to clogging because I have to be there anyway right. Well as I'm driving home I realize Crap! Niyah has soccer practice right now! So a phone call to grandpa to run her down (see times like this I'm glad they are just up stairs and retired). Then I pull up to the house just long enough for Miyuki to hop in the car and head down the canyon to practice. Head back home (few I have a break for a few hours)! Then I remember oh Niyahs at soccer gotta go pick her up, heaven forbid she walk a block and up the hill or cross that buisy street. Now finally a break! Nope text saying dont forget practice for montana tonight at the bowery Noooo! I just sat down! Well Montana isn't feeling well so like a terrible mom I talk him out of going to practice. Bahahaha! A Break! Nope! Niyah comes in Dustins hear for their hair cuts (which I love! Just cause I get to see his cute babies). As I finish up and get talking for an hour I remember oh Crap Miyuki's at clogging and I was supossed to pick her up 45 min ago! meanwhile for the last hour my phone is down stairs with about 15 missed calls. And that is where the conversation came in with Miyuki and her friend! So maybe I forget were my kids need to be fromtime to time! Maybe I forget to pick them up sometimes! But at least there is always a DANCE PARTY in the car where ever we go!