After Holiday Blues

There always seems to be an after holiday blues. I watch families getting together with friends and because I don't have a spouse that seems to not happen with my family. It is time like this that I feel like I lost so much more then just Mark. I watch my siblings doing things with their spouses and I don't get too. I watch families get together and I feel like since Mark is gone my other family just doesnt do as much anymore. I miss being a part of so many things. While I love being with my family and friends it is hard to feel a part of things when half of you is gone. I'm happy with where my life is. Someday are just still hard. I just hope that whoever reads this will please remember how important family is! How important it is to love and even more important to forgive! It is not worth looking a relationship over. I hope my family will always know how much I love them!

Christmas time is always a hard time of the year for me, as it is for many others. It is a time of year that I am surounded with so much family and friends yet I feel so alone. It is the time of year that I miss my dear sweet Mark the most! Each year we have had so much love shared with my little family. This year I was bound and determined that I was not going to let anyone help me. That I was going to talk to the kids and we were going to go without and let someone else be helped because my kids were old enough to go with out and it would be okay. I talked to them and man were they sad!!! and I felt awful!!! The thought came to my mind that I needed to let others help take care of my family. That these kids had missed out for a long time!! When they came to our family they didn't think they were going to get Christmas cause Santa was dead. Who knows how long they had gone without. These were the thoughts that were going through my head but I still had no idea how I was going to be able to pay for Christmas for these kids. Christmas Elves come in many shapes and sizes!! and I am so blessed to have so many in my life!! I love knowing that there are so many out there that love and care for me and my family!! Those that love Mark and want to take care of his family! I only can pray that these elves know how much it means to me and how much I know it means to Mark. Thank you for sharing your love with us!! I long for the day that I can be that Christmas Elf! That I can give to someone who has a cute little family who is missing someone they love and help them know that they are being watched over. Hope that I can teach my kids what the true meaning of Christmas really is!! I hope that they can see how important it is to share with those around us!! Please remember someone this year who is hurting, lonely, or doesn't know how they are going to get those smiles on their kids face this Christmas season!!

This past weekend was Mark and I's twelth anniversary. Which means I would have been with him for 16 yrs! I wish I was really with him for 16 yrs! I wished I could say it was the best 16 yrs of my life. These were the thoughts that went through my head. But then i couldn't help but think I was able to date the funnest guy around for 4 yrs! How lucky am I? Then I got eight years with just him! How lucky am I? He helped make it possible for me to have three of the best kids around. How lucky am I? Pretty dang lucky! Heavenly Father knows and loves me. He knew exactly what I needed to help me become the best me. I may not be perfect, and I may not have a lot. But I am happy most of the time and that has been a long time coming. I have talked myself out of happy. How can I be happy if Mark isn't here? How can I be happy without him? I know that Mark wants me to be happy. I know that he wants me to do those things that are important to him. I have taken so many of those things away from my family because I didn't want to do them without him. But this week it has hit me hard that he is here, he doesn't leave us! We are his #1! I need to help him do those things that I know he wants me too! Here's to a stronger family and a happier day!