Monday, August 6, 2012
I was having a rough week. I needed some extra strength to make it through. Everyone on face book seemed to be posting all of these things they were doing with their kids or for their kids, or what they were cooking for dinner or how they were loving their gardens! Not me! I just was figuring out how i was going to get all three kids at three different places all at the same time!. I had been praying for several days for some guidance, help, or just a little reassurance that i was doing okay. Well the next morning I was kind of in between sleep and awake. I could hear Mark talking to me. He was telling me that i was doing just fine. That my kids don't have to eat gourmet meals, and that i don't have to have a perfect garden. Then I heard it! His laugh it was as plain as if he was really there. I knew without any question that it was really him. He said that I make him laugh everyday. I just thought of course you are! You think this is really funny me down here trying to do all these thing, yelling at my kids, running around like a chicken with my head cut off!. Only you Mark would think this is funny!
Two years of the most incredible love I have ever felt. Two years of the biggest hurt I could ever imagine. Two years of learning. Two years of loneliness. Two years of strength. Two years of pretending. For the past two years I have put on a smile, and I have said I was okay. This Sunday I came to the reality that I am not. I have had so many experience that have made me a stronger person and so many that have also made me scared and weak. I get up every morning hoping that it will be better then the next. And most if the time it is not. I get up thinking that I don't want to do this alone again!. I know I am not alone I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows what I can handle. But I am on this earth alone. My best friend was taken from me. The one person I fought with more then anyone and loved even more is gone. I don't get to wake up next to him anymore I don't get to get mad at him when I need to be mad at someone. Although there are so many times I can feel Mark and even times i can hear him laughing at me. He isn't here. I still have to be the one to go to work, to clean the house, to make decisions that effect these three beautiful kids, to figure out what to eat for dinner or how I am going to get everything done in one day. I don't want to sound ungrateful for all the help that I do receive because I am greatful I couldn't have come this far without so many of you. I try to be strong, people say I am strong, but there are so many days that i just don't want to be strong. I have learned a lot about myself, one thing that stands out is how much I hid behind Mark. He was the funny one, the one that had no problem talking to anyone. I have a hard time talking to others, being in a group of people gives me anxiety. Does this sound like Hillari? I didn't think so but this is how i have been feeling. Go to the fair at my home town where I will see people I know or go to a movie where i can sit in the dark and hide from anyone I might see. I say movie it is! What is wrong with me? This isn't who I want to be! So today was the start of bettering my life! Bettering who i am! I don't want to hide anymore. This may be a long journey for me but I know I can do it. So to my kids I promise to be a better mom. To my mom, I promise to be a better daughter, and to take care if myself. To my sisters, and brothers I promise to be there when you need me. And to my friends I promise not to hide anymore. This is going to take time and maybe you will know now if when i see you I feel a little uncomfortable. Give me time and things will get better, for now I have to take care of myself, I have to make my little family a priority. I am not trying to complain, and i know many of you will say wow she is depressed, and i probably am. as much as I would do anything to have Mark back I have grown a lot and i wouldn't trade the experiences that myself and my kids have been able to have. So here is the start to change! It won't be big but it will be good!