Love!

Love is an incredible thing. I really have been blessed to be able to feel it again. I worried that I would never find it again or that if I did that would mean I would loose what little I had left of Mark. Boy was I wrong! I feel Mark just as much as I did before but he is happy for me. He loves seeing me happy. He loves that I am ready to live again. I have met the most amazing guy. He has an incredible family and seems to be perfect for me and my family. I am so excited to see were this new adventure leads to. I am starting to love everything about him. He is kind, loving, and a great dad to just name a few. I feel safe again which I haven't for the last 4yrs. And most of all I love that he cares about me and my kids and he loves us just the way we are. It is an amazing feeling and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for allowing me to have two of the most incredible men love me. I love you Jamie and I am so excited for this new adventure in my life.

Well here we go!!!!!

Well tonight I am filled with many different emotions. I have started seeing a really great guy. I go through the day and can't wait to talk to him. I feel safe with him and like everything is going to be alright. I smile every time I think about him. Yet the sadness is still inside of me. I still miss Mark tremendously. I can't remember if I had wrote this experience down or not. If I have then I'm sorry for repeating it. A few months ago I had a dream or experience with Mark he was able to talk to me. He loved me and that he was proud of the person I was becoming. But then He told me that it was time to let go that someone was prepared to take care of my family and I needed to find him. This was one of the hardest things for me to hear I wasn't ready. I didn't want to have to let go I didn't want to be okay and the pain to go away cause I was afraid I would loose what little I had left of Mark. I didn't want him to go away. This was a scary and hard few weeks in my life maybe one of the hardest. But now finding someone to talk to someone that I can feel safe around again is an amazing feeling. I'm not saying that this guy is the one I don't know yet. I'm just saying that maybe it really is possible. He has given me hope and has made me feel very special again. But does that mean that I have to let go of the little bit of Mark that I feel I have left. I sure hope not!! I have felt the scared and loneliness for so long now I didn't realize I could be so happy and scared all at the same time. I am excited for my new adventure. I know that Mark is right there by my side leading me and leading whoever it is that is being prepared to take care of me and my kids. I just hope whoever it is ready!!! What an amazing person this is going to be. We are a bunch of CRAZY CRAGUNS!!!

30 days of service!

So my kids are driving me crazy! I am working and they are stuck at home. We are fighting like crazy! We are going to do an experiment and see how it works. Starting today each of us are going to do an act of service for someone everyday. We have a family journal that we are each going to record our service and how we felt. They say if you are serving others you will be happy! Here we go!

Maybe it was a dream or maybe it was real!

Grief is a hard thing, and something I don't think anyone really understands. There are definitely some days even 4 years later that feel almost like those first few weeks that I lost Mark. I have been very fortunate to have had some dreams that have allowed me to have a few very real conversations with Mark. Today was one of those days. But man this one hurt but I know with out a dought it was probably the exact push or more like a huge shove forward that I need. (Mark was always trying to push me to be a better person and it was not always easy for I was able to lay with him but this time he told me that I needed to let him go and that I needed to move forward. And man did that break my heart. I don't want him to leave me! I'm not ready! As I went through the day the tears continued to fall all day long. But I also was able to feel a very strong unbreakable love from my sweetheart. I know without a dought that he wants me to live my life. That he wants me to be happy and to love! I know that my family is his number one priority. I know that he loves me and that he is mine forever. I just wish he could be mine right now but we both know he can't. I love him so much and can't imagine having anyone else. But I know he is helping preparing someone perfect for his family. But knowing all this doesn't make it easier. Maybe it was just a dream but these dreams sure feel real.

The Crazy Mom!

AM I THE ONLY CRAZY MOM? Being a mom is hard work! Being a single mom is a piece of cake! I claim crazy then it becomes easy. You can leave your kids and most of the time someone will bring them home. Oh man, it gets a little embarrassing the more it happens. Then it's really bad when your kid asks her friend if she can borrow her moms phone and the friend says, "MOM can Miyuki use your phone her mom forgot her." And Miyuki didn't even say that's why she needed the phone. Well today was definatly one of those Crazy mom days. Get the kids out the door to school (which by the way is never a peaceful experience). But really today it was only one kid cause the other two were sick, but still not a peaceful experiance. Then head to work. While on my way to work I tell my sister in law I can come over and cut hair no problem I will be up in Morgan anyway. Then get a reminder from the principle we have a meeting scheduled the same time. So I have to leave work a little early to get there on time. Cancel cutting hair and make arrangements for them to come to my house later. We meet with principle (dont you worry my kids are perfect!). Then I pick up my niece so my sister doesn't have to drive her to clogging because I have to be there anyway right. Well as I'm driving home I realize Crap! Niyah has soccer practice right now! So a phone call to grandpa to run her down (see times like this I'm glad they are just up stairs and retired). Then I pull up to the house just long enough for Miyuki to hop in the car and head down the canyon to practice. Head back home (few I have a break for a few hours)! Then I remember oh Niyahs at soccer gotta go pick her up, heaven forbid she walk a block and up the hill or cross that buisy street. Now finally a break! Nope text saying dont forget practice for montana tonight at the bowery Noooo! I just sat down! Well Montana isn't feeling well so like a terrible mom I talk him out of going to practice. Bahahaha! A Break! Nope! Niyah comes in Dustins hear for their hair cuts (which I love! Just cause I get to see his cute babies). As I finish up and get talking for an hour I remember oh Crap Miyuki's at clogging and I was supossed to pick her up 45 min ago! meanwhile for the last hour my phone is down stairs with about 15 missed calls. And that is where the conversation came in with Miyuki and her friend! So maybe I forget were my kids need to be fromtime to time! Maybe I forget to pick them up sometimes! But at least there is always a DANCE PARTY in the car where ever we go!

read at your own risk

Being alone is hard and it doesn't seem to get easier. My life is consumed with kids and that is a good thing it keeps me going. But it is hard to find myself in it all. But it doesn't seem like anyone else gets being alone. Now everyone has someone but me, and when that someone is gone they want their alone time. I don't want my alone time anymore! This last month I don't know if I have ever missed Mark as much as I do right now. I want to sleep knowing he will be there in the morning. I don't want to wake up knowing that I have to keep doing this alone. And for the record yes I'm alone! I know he is always with us but it's not the same. I know I have so much family around but I'm still alone. Everyone seems to think or expects me to be okay. Well guess what! I'm not always okay. It is so hard to try and be happy all the time. It is so hard not always knowing how i can give my kids what they need. It is hard trying to listen to how everyone else would raise my kids or that I am to easy on them. Well I can only do so much. And have they forgotten what my kids have been through? Can they not see how far they have come? And that they are kids! Sometimes I just wish people wouldn't judge until they were faced with the exact same challenges as I have. I am not perfect and have only clamed to be a few times! (I am hilarious 95% of the time though). Raising kids is hard and not having someone there to make decisions with is 100 times harder! It seems to be getting more and more prevalent that my kids don't have a dad either. It has been so hard lately to watch Montana at wrestling. All the other boys have someone who really takes interested in how they do. Someone to get them excited before a match or even truly really care how they do during, and to take the time to help them after. Not just right after but even during the week to help them become better. I watch Niyah struggle on the soccer field playing the game her dad loved most, and I can't help her. She doesn't have a dad to take her on a week night to practice making goals. I think of Miyuki and her becoming a young lady. She doesn't have a dad to tell her she's beautiful, to teach her how to drive or take her on her first date. It breaks my heart to see dad's at the park hitting balls with their kids. These are just a few of the things I wish they could have! I really wish we could just have Mark back. Well, there you have it fokes! Do you really want know how I feel? :-)

Love

I have to admit I never thought I would make it to this place that I am today. I can honestly say that I am happy! Yes life is hard and I miss Mark everyday but I am happy. I love life and I love the trials I have been given. They have made me who I am today and they have helped me be the best me I can be. I have so much love in my heart sometimes I feel like it is ready to burst! I have so much love for my kids it is amazing! There is a celestial love that I feel for Mark that will never go away. But there is another love that is longing to be shared. It is something that I have never felt before and is so dear to my heart. I know it is going to take someone pretty dang special to except this love. I may find that person or I may not and I am okay with either one. Life is scary and opening up is even scarier. I am so greatful for the Lords hand in every aspect of my life. I have grown and learned more in the last few years then I had ever imagined. When Mark passed away I didn't think I could go on and I didn't think it was fare. But it has become a beautiful heart brake!

sushi yuck!

I have tried sushi a few different times. Once in Vegas, once at work, and once with Lisa (who swore I was just eating it wrong). Nope it's just gross! I figured it out tonight! Its exactly what I thought it was that seaweed is DISCUSTING!. Well my poor kids have had to live without it cause I won't buy it! Well tonight I went out with a groupof friends and we went for sushi. I did manage to get one with teriyaki chicken with a soy wrap that I could eat. (I know it was cheating and not really sushi). I decided to be a good mom and bring the kids home some. Lets just say they were in HEAVEN! They devoured it! 10 points for mom!