First of all I want to say that I love the gospel of Jesus Christ I believe it with my whole heart. I try my hardest everyday to be the best person I can be..... However sometimes I don't feel like it's good enough. I know it's not my Heavenly Father that is making it so I don't feel good enough because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally because I have felt that love unconditionally...
Since Mark passed away and probably many times before that I have wondered why I don't always fit in to the church and it's mold. I am not that perfect LDS member that has the perfect marriage with the perfect little family that shows up every Sunday with bag of church activities with treats to keep their kids entertained during church. I have never been the Bishops wife, the young women's president, and the relief society president. I have never loved visiting teaching and honestly wonder sometimes if my prayers are even heard. I know many us have been there have not felt like we fit in to the LDS mold. But honestly I think more of us feel like this then don't. Even those perfect families that show up every Sunday don't feel like they are that perfect.
I go to church because I know that is where I need to be. I go to church because I know that is the best place for my kids to learn the values that I want them to learn because I don't always have the energy to teach them myself.
Well now more then ever I don't fit in. I have made choices that have made it so I go to church and sit in silence I don't participate anymore for now. Boy do I feel like I don't fit in.. But guess what I am learning more now then I ever have! I don't care what others think I am at church because I know that is where I can improve myself. I am at church because I want to learn about my Savior and how he can help me. Is it hard? Yes... Is it uncomfortable? Yes.... Do people say things that hurt my feelings you bet they do... But they are people and they are not why I am there.
I have had several people tell me that I am being denied of the blessings that I could be receiving because of what I have done. Well guess what? I don't believe that! I know that I made covenants with my Heavenly Father and I am working through things with my Heavenly Father... But I don't believe in a Heavenly Father that would take away my blessings or not give me blessings cause of one decision I made. I have lived a pretty good life for 36 years I have a hard time believing he would abandoned me after making a mistake. I know that I could push him away but he wouldn't leave me. I am thankful for my testimony of the Gospel and of forgiveness. I am thankful for the lesson that I don't have to fit in! I have never fit in but I'm not at church to fit in I'm at church to learn and grow and understand my Savior Jesus Christ.
I guess by this post I hope maybe I can help one person realize it's okay to not fit in. Please no mean posts! I love the church and don't want to hear why you don't like it. Thanks.