read at your own risk

Being alone is hard and it doesn't seem to get easier. My life is consumed with kids and that is a good thing it keeps me going. But it is hard to find myself in it all. But it doesn't seem like anyone else gets being alone. Now everyone has someone but me, and when that someone is gone they want their alone time. I don't want my alone time anymore! This last month I don't know if I have ever missed Mark as much as I do right now. I want to sleep knowing he will be there in the morning. I don't want to wake up knowing that I have to keep doing this alone. And for the record yes I'm alone! I know he is always with us but it's not the same. I know I have so much family around but I'm still alone. Everyone seems to think or expects me to be okay. Well guess what! I'm not always okay. It is so hard to try and be happy all the time. It is so hard not always knowing how i can give my kids what they need. It is hard trying to listen to how everyone else would raise my kids or that I am to easy on them. Well I can only do so much. And have they forgotten what my kids have been through? Can they not see how far they have come? And that they are kids! Sometimes I just wish people wouldn't judge until they were faced with the exact same challenges as I have. I am not perfect and have only clamed to be a few times! (I am hilarious 95% of the time though). Raising kids is hard and not having someone there to make decisions with is 100 times harder! It seems to be getting more and more prevalent that my kids don't have a dad either. It has been so hard lately to watch Montana at wrestling. All the other boys have someone who really takes interested in how they do. Someone to get them excited before a match or even truly really care how they do during, and to take the time to help them after. Not just right after but even during the week to help them become better. I watch Niyah struggle on the soccer field playing the game her dad loved most, and I can't help her. She doesn't have a dad to take her on a week night to practice making goals. I think of Miyuki and her becoming a young lady. She doesn't have a dad to tell her she's beautiful, to teach her how to drive or take her on her first date. It breaks my heart to see dad's at the park hitting balls with their kids. These are just a few of the things I wish they could have! I really wish we could just have Mark back. Well, there you have it fokes! Do you really want know how I feel? :-)