Love!

Love is an incredible thing. I really have been blessed to be able to feel it again. I worried that I would never find it again or that if I did that would mean I would loose what little I had left of Mark. Boy was I wrong! I feel Mark just as much as I did before but he is happy for me. He loves seeing me happy. He loves that I am ready to live again. I have met the most amazing guy. He has an incredible family and seems to be perfect for me and my family. I am so excited to see were this new adventure leads to. I am starting to love everything about him. He is kind, loving, and a great dad to just name a few. I feel safe again which I haven't for the last 4yrs. And most of all I love that he cares about me and my kids and he loves us just the way we are. It is an amazing feeling and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for allowing me to have two of the most incredible men love me. I love you Jamie and I am so excited for this new adventure in my life.

Well here we go!!!!!

Well tonight I am filled with many different emotions. I have started seeing a really great guy. I go through the day and can't wait to talk to him. I feel safe with him and like everything is going to be alright. I smile every time I think about him. Yet the sadness is still inside of me. I still miss Mark tremendously. I can't remember if I had wrote this experience down or not. If I have then I'm sorry for repeating it. A few months ago I had a dream or experience with Mark he was able to talk to me. He loved me and that he was proud of the person I was becoming. But then He told me that it was time to let go that someone was prepared to take care of my family and I needed to find him. This was one of the hardest things for me to hear I wasn't ready. I didn't want to have to let go I didn't want to be okay and the pain to go away cause I was afraid I would loose what little I had left of Mark. I didn't want him to go away. This was a scary and hard few weeks in my life maybe one of the hardest. But now finding someone to talk to someone that I can feel safe around again is an amazing feeling. I'm not saying that this guy is the one I don't know yet. I'm just saying that maybe it really is possible. He has given me hope and has made me feel very special again. But does that mean that I have to let go of the little bit of Mark that I feel I have left. I sure hope not!! I have felt the scared and loneliness for so long now I didn't realize I could be so happy and scared all at the same time. I am excited for my new adventure. I know that Mark is right there by my side leading me and leading whoever it is that is being prepared to take care of me and my kids. I just hope whoever it is ready!!! What an amazing person this is going to be. We are a bunch of CRAZY CRAGUNS!!!

30 days of service!

So my kids are driving me crazy! I am working and they are stuck at home. We are fighting like crazy! We are going to do an experiment and see how it works. Starting today each of us are going to do an act of service for someone everyday. We have a family journal that we are each going to record our service and how we felt. They say if you are serving others you will be happy! Here we go!

Maybe it was a dream or maybe it was real!

Grief is a hard thing, and something I don't think anyone really understands. There are definitely some days even 4 years later that feel almost like those first few weeks that I lost Mark. I have been very fortunate to have had some dreams that have allowed me to have a few very real conversations with Mark. Today was one of those days. But man this one hurt but I know with out a dought it was probably the exact push or more like a huge shove forward that I need. (Mark was always trying to push me to be a better person and it was not always easy for I was able to lay with him but this time he told me that I needed to let him go and that I needed to move forward. And man did that break my heart. I don't want him to leave me! I'm not ready! As I went through the day the tears continued to fall all day long. But I also was able to feel a very strong unbreakable love from my sweetheart. I know without a dought that he wants me to live my life. That he wants me to be happy and to love! I know that my family is his number one priority. I know that he loves me and that he is mine forever. I just wish he could be mine right now but we both know he can't. I love him so much and can't imagine having anyone else. But I know he is helping preparing someone perfect for his family. But knowing all this doesn't make it easier. Maybe it was just a dream but these dreams sure feel real.

The Crazy Mom!

AM I THE ONLY CRAZY MOM? Being a mom is hard work! Being a single mom is a piece of cake! I claim crazy then it becomes easy. You can leave your kids and most of the time someone will bring them home. Oh man, it gets a little embarrassing the more it happens. Then it's really bad when your kid asks her friend if she can borrow her moms phone and the friend says, "MOM can Miyuki use your phone her mom forgot her." And Miyuki didn't even say that's why she needed the phone. Well today was definatly one of those Crazy mom days. Get the kids out the door to school (which by the way is never a peaceful experience). But really today it was only one kid cause the other two were sick, but still not a peaceful experiance. Then head to work. While on my way to work I tell my sister in law I can come over and cut hair no problem I will be up in Morgan anyway. Then get a reminder from the principle we have a meeting scheduled the same time. So I have to leave work a little early to get there on time. Cancel cutting hair and make arrangements for them to come to my house later. We meet with principle (dont you worry my kids are perfect!). Then I pick up my niece so my sister doesn't have to drive her to clogging because I have to be there anyway right. Well as I'm driving home I realize Crap! Niyah has soccer practice right now! So a phone call to grandpa to run her down (see times like this I'm glad they are just up stairs and retired). Then I pull up to the house just long enough for Miyuki to hop in the car and head down the canyon to practice. Head back home (few I have a break for a few hours)! Then I remember oh Niyahs at soccer gotta go pick her up, heaven forbid she walk a block and up the hill or cross that buisy street. Now finally a break! Nope text saying dont forget practice for montana tonight at the bowery Noooo! I just sat down! Well Montana isn't feeling well so like a terrible mom I talk him out of going to practice. Bahahaha! A Break! Nope! Niyah comes in Dustins hear for their hair cuts (which I love! Just cause I get to see his cute babies). As I finish up and get talking for an hour I remember oh Crap Miyuki's at clogging and I was supossed to pick her up 45 min ago! meanwhile for the last hour my phone is down stairs with about 15 missed calls. And that is where the conversation came in with Miyuki and her friend! So maybe I forget were my kids need to be fromtime to time! Maybe I forget to pick them up sometimes! But at least there is always a DANCE PARTY in the car where ever we go!

read at your own risk

Being alone is hard and it doesn't seem to get easier. My life is consumed with kids and that is a good thing it keeps me going. But it is hard to find myself in it all. But it doesn't seem like anyone else gets being alone. Now everyone has someone but me, and when that someone is gone they want their alone time. I don't want my alone time anymore! This last month I don't know if I have ever missed Mark as much as I do right now. I want to sleep knowing he will be there in the morning. I don't want to wake up knowing that I have to keep doing this alone. And for the record yes I'm alone! I know he is always with us but it's not the same. I know I have so much family around but I'm still alone. Everyone seems to think or expects me to be okay. Well guess what! I'm not always okay. It is so hard to try and be happy all the time. It is so hard not always knowing how i can give my kids what they need. It is hard trying to listen to how everyone else would raise my kids or that I am to easy on them. Well I can only do so much. And have they forgotten what my kids have been through? Can they not see how far they have come? And that they are kids! Sometimes I just wish people wouldn't judge until they were faced with the exact same challenges as I have. I am not perfect and have only clamed to be a few times! (I am hilarious 95% of the time though). Raising kids is hard and not having someone there to make decisions with is 100 times harder! It seems to be getting more and more prevalent that my kids don't have a dad either. It has been so hard lately to watch Montana at wrestling. All the other boys have someone who really takes interested in how they do. Someone to get them excited before a match or even truly really care how they do during, and to take the time to help them after. Not just right after but even during the week to help them become better. I watch Niyah struggle on the soccer field playing the game her dad loved most, and I can't help her. She doesn't have a dad to take her on a week night to practice making goals. I think of Miyuki and her becoming a young lady. She doesn't have a dad to tell her she's beautiful, to teach her how to drive or take her on her first date. It breaks my heart to see dad's at the park hitting balls with their kids. These are just a few of the things I wish they could have! I really wish we could just have Mark back. Well, there you have it fokes! Do you really want know how I feel? :-)

Love

I have to admit I never thought I would make it to this place that I am today. I can honestly say that I am happy! Yes life is hard and I miss Mark everyday but I am happy. I love life and I love the trials I have been given. They have made me who I am today and they have helped me be the best me I can be. I have so much love in my heart sometimes I feel like it is ready to burst! I have so much love for my kids it is amazing! There is a celestial love that I feel for Mark that will never go away. But there is another love that is longing to be shared. It is something that I have never felt before and is so dear to my heart. I know it is going to take someone pretty dang special to except this love. I may find that person or I may not and I am okay with either one. Life is scary and opening up is even scarier. I am so greatful for the Lords hand in every aspect of my life. I have grown and learned more in the last few years then I had ever imagined. When Mark passed away I didn't think I could go on and I didn't think it was fare. But it has become a beautiful heart brake!

sushi yuck!

I have tried sushi a few different times. Once in Vegas, once at work, and once with Lisa (who swore I was just eating it wrong). Nope it's just gross! I figured it out tonight! Its exactly what I thought it was that seaweed is DISCUSTING!. Well my poor kids have had to live without it cause I won't buy it! Well tonight I went out with a groupof friends and we went for sushi. I did manage to get one with teriyaki chicken with a soy wrap that I could eat. (I know it was cheating and not really sushi). I decided to be a good mom and bring the kids home some. Lets just say they were in HEAVEN! They devoured it! 10 points for mom!

After Holiday Blues

There always seems to be an after holiday blues. I watch families getting together with friends and because I don't have a spouse that seems to not happen with my family. It is time like this that I feel like I lost so much more then just Mark. I watch my siblings doing things with their spouses and I don't get too. I watch families get together and I feel like since Mark is gone my other family just doesnt do as much anymore. I miss being a part of so many things. While I love being with my family and friends it is hard to feel a part of things when half of you is gone. I'm happy with where my life is. Someday are just still hard. I just hope that whoever reads this will please remember how important family is! How important it is to love and even more important to forgive! It is not worth looking a relationship over. I hope my family will always know how much I love them!

Christmas time is always a hard time of the year for me, as it is for many others. It is a time of year that I am surounded with so much family and friends yet I feel so alone. It is the time of year that I miss my dear sweet Mark the most! Each year we have had so much love shared with my little family. This year I was bound and determined that I was not going to let anyone help me. That I was going to talk to the kids and we were going to go without and let someone else be helped because my kids were old enough to go with out and it would be okay. I talked to them and man were they sad!!! and I felt awful!!! The thought came to my mind that I needed to let others help take care of my family. That these kids had missed out for a long time!! When they came to our family they didn't think they were going to get Christmas cause Santa was dead. Who knows how long they had gone without. These were the thoughts that were going through my head but I still had no idea how I was going to be able to pay for Christmas for these kids. Christmas Elves come in many shapes and sizes!! and I am so blessed to have so many in my life!! I love knowing that there are so many out there that love and care for me and my family!! Those that love Mark and want to take care of his family! I only can pray that these elves know how much it means to me and how much I know it means to Mark. Thank you for sharing your love with us!! I long for the day that I can be that Christmas Elf! That I can give to someone who has a cute little family who is missing someone they love and help them know that they are being watched over. Hope that I can teach my kids what the true meaning of Christmas really is!! I hope that they can see how important it is to share with those around us!! Please remember someone this year who is hurting, lonely, or doesn't know how they are going to get those smiles on their kids face this Christmas season!!

This past weekend was Mark and I's twelth anniversary. Which means I would have been with him for 16 yrs! I wish I was really with him for 16 yrs! I wished I could say it was the best 16 yrs of my life. These were the thoughts that went through my head. But then i couldn't help but think I was able to date the funnest guy around for 4 yrs! How lucky am I? Then I got eight years with just him! How lucky am I? He helped make it possible for me to have three of the best kids around. How lucky am I? Pretty dang lucky! Heavenly Father knows and loves me. He knew exactly what I needed to help me become the best me. I may not be perfect, and I may not have a lot. But I am happy most of the time and that has been a long time coming. I have talked myself out of happy. How can I be happy if Mark isn't here? How can I be happy without him? I know that Mark wants me to be happy. I know that he wants me to do those things that are important to him. I have taken so many of those things away from my family because I didn't want to do them without him. But this week it has hit me hard that he is here, he doesn't leave us! We are his #1! I need to help him do those things that I know he wants me too! Here's to a stronger family and a happier day!

There is just going to be some bad days!

It's days like today that I just want things to go back to the way they were 4 years ago. I want to go back to my home. I want Mark to get after the kids so I don't always have to be the bad guy. I want to go for a drive in the car with my best friend to just talk about nothing and everything. I want him to just lay with. To tell me we can make it. To tell me maybe I'm not the best mom, but that I am still a good one. Oh well, life gave me a different path. And tomorrow is a new day and new days aren't always bad days.

Quest for Camelot

This movie came out while I was dating Mark. It had so many similarities to our relationship. We always laughed about it. Mark was one that stood alone. He didn't want anyone to get in his way. Just like Garett! Love took us by suprize looking through each others eyes! Then as the years went on we became more like the two headed dragons! (We even did a lip sink to the song at lake powell) If I didn't have you! We loved each other so much yet drove each other crazy! we really were eachothers better half. Now as I watch it it brings be to tears with the first song, on my fathers wings! I imagine my kids feeling like they could do anything with their fathers wings!

screaming inside!

I am just screaming inside and wonder if anyone really cares, but maybe they just don't see. My heart is constantly breaking. There is a worry that never ends. there is a big hole that can't be filled. I don't want to sound ungrateful cause I not! I have been blessed with so many people who love me. But can they really see, do they really even want to know? can they see the pain that is there everyday? Can they see my life falling apart? Can they see the walls being built up around me so I won't get hurt and the ones of comfort and peace being torn down and I can't stop them? Do they see the pain of every peice of clothing every paper every box that is filled? Do they not see that I just need out! That I can't do it anymore! Cant they see that I am going to break! That I am going to crumble? Why am alone? Why aren't they here? I am not writing this for everyone to come running! I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad for me. These are just the thoughts going through my head. I love that I have been blessed with what I have I am greatfull for the strength I have to endure this life.

just beam me up

To my Mark!

There's a whole nother conversation going on in a parallel universe Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts There's waltz playing frozen in time Blades of grass on tiny bare feet I look at you and you're looking at me. Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face Beam me up Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter I think, a minute's enough Just beam me up. Saw blackbirds soaring in the sky, Barely a breath I caught one last sight Tell me that was you, saying goodbye, There are times I feel the shiver and cold, It only happens when I'm on my own I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think, a minutes enough, Just beam me up. In my head, I see your baby blues I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's One of me, with you So when I need you can I send you a sign I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights I'll pick a star and watch you shine Just beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter, I think, a minutes enough, Beam me up Beam me up Beam me up Could you beam me up~ By Pink

the question, "How do you do it?"

"How do you do it?" This is the questio I feel, like I get asked every time I talk to someone new or someone I haven't seen in a long time. What do they want me to say? "oh it's easy?" Really this is what I feel like saying. I don't do it! Or I don't want to do it! But really this is how I do it. And I promise you it's not done very well. I do it with no sleep at night cause I have to lay in this room all by myself. I do it with tears in my eyes cause nothing will ever be the same. I do it with a constant pain that won't go away. I do it with no one to talk to or discuss what needs to be done to make it from day to day. I do it with a constant prayer in my heart cause nothing feels right anymore. I do it wondering if my prayers are even being heard. I do it wondering why my plan and my Heavenly Fathers plan for me just doesn't seem to match up. I do it wondering how I'm going to work to pay the bills and get my kids from one place to another all at the same time. I do it knowing that it will all be worth it one day. I do hoping that I am not ruining my kids. I do it knowing that my sweet Mark is right by my side. I do it with faith that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me very much. I do it knowing that I have three kids that need me to. But most of all I do it because I love my eternal companion and friend Mark and I don't want to let him down. I do it, yes! But it's hard and it's scary and I hate that I have to do it! But I love that I can do it.

Their Two Moms!

She gave them love she gave them life She chose to do more then what was right She is brave she is strong She taught them right she taught them more She loved them enough to give them more She opened up a brand new door I wanted more I wanted to share life I wanted to do more then what was right I wanted to be brave I wanted to be strong I hoped that I wouldn't do you wrong I was excited I was scared I just wanted them to know how much I cared. She didn't know what was in store Yet she trusted two, who needed more She gave us three children, who would lead the way For our little family to be together someday Dad they grew to love in just year Then what happened we all feared Dad went to heaven to lead the way Don't worry we still feel him every day Now a Mothers journey had just begun But oh the blessings she had won Three little angels here with me And one up above I can't wait to see From two Mothers heart to two Mothers arms We share a love that can't be harmed She is brave she is strong She taught them right she taught them wrong I hope she knows I hope she can see How much these children mean to me She gave them love she gave them life She chose to do more then what was right I love you Irene I am so honored to share Mothers day with you!

putting it away

The last few weeks I have found myself focusing on things that are really quite silly. I have found myself not listening to the little things my kids have to say because I am to busy doing things like texting, or playing a game on my phone. These things aren't necessarily bad things to be doing but they seem to be taking my time and focus away from what is important to my kids. For me my little phone is kind of an out. However I need to make sure that I am not letting it become more important then my family. So I am going to give myself a challenge, and that is to put it away when I am with those that are most important.

Sick kids bug me!

This might make me seem like a terrible mom, but sick kids bug me. For the last four days I have had sick kids. They complain about hurting and then don't want to do what I tell them will help them feel better. They want me to lay by them. Really? Why would I want to lay by a sick kid? Then of course I get sick too. Well who's going to lay by me? Who's going to get me something to help me feel better? One of them was having pains in there side. I ask them does it sting? I don't know. Is it a sharp pain? I don't know. Is it inside it outside of your body? I don't know. Well if they don't know who does? If they don't tell me, how am I supposed to help? one of them threw up in the night. It was on the ceiling, floor, bed and on the clean pile of cloths that I had just washed. Why would you lean over the side of the bed to throw up after you already threw up in your bed. Why not just throw up on the blanket that you had already gotten dirty? Seriously! I didn't make the mess, why do I have to clean it up my throw up made it to the toilet. I do love my kids very much I just HATE when they are sick!

This dream

So for the most part my days are filled with laughter and joy. I can honestly say that I am happy. I am happy with were I am, and I am happy with were my kids are. However, there are days that what has happened just hits me and I realize that my worst fear in life came true. These are the times that I want to fall asleep and wake up and have this dream be done. I want to wake up with Mark next to me and it be September 11, 2010. I want two new dresses laid out for Niyah's baptism and confirmation, cause that would mean I didn't spend the whole night sewing and I got to spend it laying with my sweet Mark. I want to wait for him to get dressed and walk over to the church together, cause that would mean I wouldn't have to go back to find him. I want to watch him baptize my little girl, I want to hear him give that beautiful blessing and dunk her in that water, maybe twice cause her toe didn't go all the way under. I want to watch him confirm her a member of the church. I want to walk back home take pictures and eat all of the yummy good that was prepared and have a house full of family and friends. But my perfect day ended up perfect in a totally different way. I miss you Mark and can't wait till I can wake and run into your arms. But until that day please know that I am happy, that the kids are doing well, and that we love you and you are always in our hearts.