read at your own risk

Being alone is hard and it doesn't seem to get easier. My life is consumed with kids and that is a good thing it keeps me going. But it is hard to find myself in it all. But it doesn't seem like anyone else gets being alone. Now everyone has someone but me, and when that someone is gone they want their alone time. I don't want my alone time anymore! This last month I don't know if I have ever missed Mark as much as I do right now. I want to sleep knowing he will be there in the morning. I don't want to wake up knowing that I have to keep doing this alone. And for the record yes I'm alone! I know he is always with us but it's not the same. I know I have so much family around but I'm still alone. Everyone seems to think or expects me to be okay. Well guess what! I'm not always okay. It is so hard to try and be happy all the time. It is so hard not always knowing how i can give my kids what they need. It is hard trying to listen to how everyone else would raise my kids or that I am to easy on them. Well I can only do so much. And have they forgotten what my kids have been through? Can they not see how far they have come? And that they are kids! Sometimes I just wish people wouldn't judge until they were faced with the exact same challenges as I have. I am not perfect and have only clamed to be a few times! (I am hilarious 95% of the time though). Raising kids is hard and not having someone there to make decisions with is 100 times harder! It seems to be getting more and more prevalent that my kids don't have a dad either. It has been so hard lately to watch Montana at wrestling. All the other boys have someone who really takes interested in how they do. Someone to get them excited before a match or even truly really care how they do during, and to take the time to help them after. Not just right after but even during the week to help them become better. I watch Niyah struggle on the soccer field playing the game her dad loved most, and I can't help her. She doesn't have a dad to take her on a week night to practice making goals. I think of Miyuki and her becoming a young lady. She doesn't have a dad to tell her she's beautiful, to teach her how to drive or take her on her first date. It breaks my heart to see dad's at the park hitting balls with their kids. These are just a few of the things I wish they could have! I really wish we could just have Mark back. Well, there you have it fokes! Do you really want know how I feel? :-)

Love

I have to admit I never thought I would make it to this place that I am today. I can honestly say that I am happy! Yes life is hard and I miss Mark everyday but I am happy. I love life and I love the trials I have been given. They have made me who I am today and they have helped me be the best me I can be. I have so much love in my heart sometimes I feel like it is ready to burst! I have so much love for my kids it is amazing! There is a celestial love that I feel for Mark that will never go away. But there is another love that is longing to be shared. It is something that I have never felt before and is so dear to my heart. I know it is going to take someone pretty dang special to except this love. I may find that person or I may not and I am okay with either one. Life is scary and opening up is even scarier. I am so greatful for the Lords hand in every aspect of my life. I have grown and learned more in the last few years then I had ever imagined. When Mark passed away I didn't think I could go on and I didn't think it was fare. But it has become a beautiful heart brake!

sushi yuck!

I have tried sushi a few different times. Once in Vegas, once at work, and once with Lisa (who swore I was just eating it wrong). Nope it's just gross! I figured it out tonight! Its exactly what I thought it was that seaweed is DISCUSTING!. Well my poor kids have had to live without it cause I won't buy it! Well tonight I went out with a groupof friends and we went for sushi. I did manage to get one with teriyaki chicken with a soy wrap that I could eat. (I know it was cheating and not really sushi). I decided to be a good mom and bring the kids home some. Lets just say they were in HEAVEN! They devoured it! 10 points for mom!

After Holiday Blues

There always seems to be an after holiday blues. I watch families getting together with friends and because I don't have a spouse that seems to not happen with my family. It is time like this that I feel like I lost so much more then just Mark. I watch my siblings doing things with their spouses and I don't get too. I watch families get together and I feel like since Mark is gone my other family just doesnt do as much anymore. I miss being a part of so many things. While I love being with my family and friends it is hard to feel a part of things when half of you is gone. I'm happy with where my life is. Someday are just still hard. I just hope that whoever reads this will please remember how important family is! How important it is to love and even more important to forgive! It is not worth looking a relationship over. I hope my family will always know how much I love them!

Christmas time is always a hard time of the year for me, as it is for many others. It is a time of year that I am surounded with so much family and friends yet I feel so alone. It is the time of year that I miss my dear sweet Mark the most! Each year we have had so much love shared with my little family. This year I was bound and determined that I was not going to let anyone help me. That I was going to talk to the kids and we were going to go without and let someone else be helped because my kids were old enough to go with out and it would be okay. I talked to them and man were they sad!!! and I felt awful!!! The thought came to my mind that I needed to let others help take care of my family. That these kids had missed out for a long time!! When they came to our family they didn't think they were going to get Christmas cause Santa was dead. Who knows how long they had gone without. These were the thoughts that were going through my head but I still had no idea how I was going to be able to pay for Christmas for these kids. Christmas Elves come in many shapes and sizes!! and I am so blessed to have so many in my life!! I love knowing that there are so many out there that love and care for me and my family!! Those that love Mark and want to take care of his family! I only can pray that these elves know how much it means to me and how much I know it means to Mark. Thank you for sharing your love with us!! I long for the day that I can be that Christmas Elf! That I can give to someone who has a cute little family who is missing someone they love and help them know that they are being watched over. Hope that I can teach my kids what the true meaning of Christmas really is!! I hope that they can see how important it is to share with those around us!! Please remember someone this year who is hurting, lonely, or doesn't know how they are going to get those smiles on their kids face this Christmas season!!

This past weekend was Mark and I's twelth anniversary. Which means I would have been with him for 16 yrs! I wish I was really with him for 16 yrs! I wished I could say it was the best 16 yrs of my life. These were the thoughts that went through my head. But then i couldn't help but think I was able to date the funnest guy around for 4 yrs! How lucky am I? Then I got eight years with just him! How lucky am I? He helped make it possible for me to have three of the best kids around. How lucky am I? Pretty dang lucky! Heavenly Father knows and loves me. He knew exactly what I needed to help me become the best me. I may not be perfect, and I may not have a lot. But I am happy most of the time and that has been a long time coming. I have talked myself out of happy. How can I be happy if Mark isn't here? How can I be happy without him? I know that Mark wants me to be happy. I know that he wants me to do those things that are important to him. I have taken so many of those things away from my family because I didn't want to do them without him. But this week it has hit me hard that he is here, he doesn't leave us! We are his #1! I need to help him do those things that I know he wants me too! Here's to a stronger family and a happier day!

There is just going to be some bad days!

It's days like today that I just want things to go back to the way they were 4 years ago. I want to go back to my home. I want Mark to get after the kids so I don't always have to be the bad guy. I want to go for a drive in the car with my best friend to just talk about nothing and everything. I want him to just lay with. To tell me we can make it. To tell me maybe I'm not the best mom, but that I am still a good one. Oh well, life gave me a different path. And tomorrow is a new day and new days aren't always bad days.

Quest for Camelot

This movie came out while I was dating Mark. It had so many similarities to our relationship. We always laughed about it. Mark was one that stood alone. He didn't want anyone to get in his way. Just like Garett! Love took us by suprize looking through each others eyes! Then as the years went on we became more like the two headed dragons! (We even did a lip sink to the song at lake powell) If I didn't have you! We loved each other so much yet drove each other crazy! we really were eachothers better half. Now as I watch it it brings be to tears with the first song, on my fathers wings! I imagine my kids feeling like they could do anything with their fathers wings!

screaming inside!

I am just screaming inside and wonder if anyone really cares, but maybe they just don't see. My heart is constantly breaking. There is a worry that never ends. there is a big hole that can't be filled. I don't want to sound ungrateful cause I not! I have been blessed with so many people who love me. But can they really see, do they really even want to know? can they see the pain that is there everyday? Can they see my life falling apart? Can they see the walls being built up around me so I won't get hurt and the ones of comfort and peace being torn down and I can't stop them? Do they see the pain of every peice of clothing every paper every box that is filled? Do they not see that I just need out! That I can't do it anymore! Cant they see that I am going to break! That I am going to crumble? Why am alone? Why aren't they here? I am not writing this for everyone to come running! I am not writing this to make anyone feel bad for me. These are just the thoughts going through my head. I love that I have been blessed with what I have I am greatfull for the strength I have to endure this life.

just beam me up

To my Mark!

There's a whole nother conversation going on in a parallel universe Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts There's waltz playing frozen in time Blades of grass on tiny bare feet I look at you and you're looking at me. Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face Beam me up Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter I think, a minute's enough Just beam me up. Saw blackbirds soaring in the sky, Barely a breath I caught one last sight Tell me that was you, saying goodbye, There are times I feel the shiver and cold, It only happens when I'm on my own I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think, a minutes enough, Just beam me up. In my head, I see your baby blues I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's One of me, with you So when I need you can I send you a sign I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights I'll pick a star and watch you shine Just beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter, I think, a minutes enough, Beam me up Beam me up Beam me up Could you beam me up~ By Pink

the question, "How do you do it?"

"How do you do it?" This is the questio I feel, like I get asked every time I talk to someone new or someone I haven't seen in a long time. What do they want me to say? "oh it's easy?" Really this is what I feel like saying. I don't do it! Or I don't want to do it! But really this is how I do it. And I promise you it's not done very well. I do it with no sleep at night cause I have to lay in this room all by myself. I do it with tears in my eyes cause nothing will ever be the same. I do it with a constant pain that won't go away. I do it with no one to talk to or discuss what needs to be done to make it from day to day. I do it with a constant prayer in my heart cause nothing feels right anymore. I do it wondering if my prayers are even being heard. I do it wondering why my plan and my Heavenly Fathers plan for me just doesn't seem to match up. I do it wondering how I'm going to work to pay the bills and get my kids from one place to another all at the same time. I do it knowing that it will all be worth it one day. I do hoping that I am not ruining my kids. I do it knowing that my sweet Mark is right by my side. I do it with faith that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me very much. I do it knowing that I have three kids that need me to. But most of all I do it because I love my eternal companion and friend Mark and I don't want to let him down. I do it, yes! But it's hard and it's scary and I hate that I have to do it! But I love that I can do it.

Their Two Moms!

She gave them love she gave them life She chose to do more then what was right She is brave she is strong She taught them right she taught them more She loved them enough to give them more She opened up a brand new door I wanted more I wanted to share life I wanted to do more then what was right I wanted to be brave I wanted to be strong I hoped that I wouldn't do you wrong I was excited I was scared I just wanted them to know how much I cared. She didn't know what was in store Yet she trusted two, who needed more She gave us three children, who would lead the way For our little family to be together someday Dad they grew to love in just year Then what happened we all feared Dad went to heaven to lead the way Don't worry we still feel him every day Now a Mothers journey had just begun But oh the blessings she had won Three little angels here with me And one up above I can't wait to see From two Mothers heart to two Mothers arms We share a love that can't be harmed She is brave she is strong She taught them right she taught them wrong I hope she knows I hope she can see How much these children mean to me She gave them love she gave them life She chose to do more then what was right I love you Irene I am so honored to share Mothers day with you!

putting it away

The last few weeks I have found myself focusing on things that are really quite silly. I have found myself not listening to the little things my kids have to say because I am to busy doing things like texting, or playing a game on my phone. These things aren't necessarily bad things to be doing but they seem to be taking my time and focus away from what is important to my kids. For me my little phone is kind of an out. However I need to make sure that I am not letting it become more important then my family. So I am going to give myself a challenge, and that is to put it away when I am with those that are most important.

Sick kids bug me!

This might make me seem like a terrible mom, but sick kids bug me. For the last four days I have had sick kids. They complain about hurting and then don't want to do what I tell them will help them feel better. They want me to lay by them. Really? Why would I want to lay by a sick kid? Then of course I get sick too. Well who's going to lay by me? Who's going to get me something to help me feel better? One of them was having pains in there side. I ask them does it sting? I don't know. Is it a sharp pain? I don't know. Is it inside it outside of your body? I don't know. Well if they don't know who does? If they don't tell me, how am I supposed to help? one of them threw up in the night. It was on the ceiling, floor, bed and on the clean pile of cloths that I had just washed. Why would you lean over the side of the bed to throw up after you already threw up in your bed. Why not just throw up on the blanket that you had already gotten dirty? Seriously! I didn't make the mess, why do I have to clean it up my throw up made it to the toilet. I do love my kids very much I just HATE when they are sick!

This dream

So for the most part my days are filled with laughter and joy. I can honestly say that I am happy. I am happy with were I am, and I am happy with were my kids are. However, there are days that what has happened just hits me and I realize that my worst fear in life came true. These are the times that I want to fall asleep and wake up and have this dream be done. I want to wake up with Mark next to me and it be September 11, 2010. I want two new dresses laid out for Niyah's baptism and confirmation, cause that would mean I didn't spend the whole night sewing and I got to spend it laying with my sweet Mark. I want to wait for him to get dressed and walk over to the church together, cause that would mean I wouldn't have to go back to find him. I want to watch him baptize my little girl, I want to hear him give that beautiful blessing and dunk her in that water, maybe twice cause her toe didn't go all the way under. I want to watch him confirm her a member of the church. I want to walk back home take pictures and eat all of the yummy good that was prepared and have a house full of family and friends. But my perfect day ended up perfect in a totally different way. I miss you Mark and can't wait till I can wake and run into your arms. But until that day please know that I am happy, that the kids are doing well, and that we love you and you are always in our hearts.

Hard work!

Being a mom is hard. I never feel like I am doing a very good job. Oh how I wish I could just say,"okay, its your turn" to there dad. But that's not how it worked out so I have to figure it out. I have to figure out how when I am about to loose it I can get a hold of myself and handle things the way I am supposed to. But its not so easy. Yes I am the adult but a lot of the times I feel like a child. I feel like I want to throw a fit and hit the walls. But then that would cost way to much money to always be fixing walls. Why do kids get to say that they hate me, but then if I say I hate you too, then I am a bad mom! (I don't hate my kids). I was told once that when I was mad at them to think of them when they were little and cute. Well I didn't know them when they were little and cute. For the most part I love being a mom. My children are defiantly a gift from God, sent to me at a perfect time. I couldn't have been through what I have without them. But it is still hard work!

My Berlynney Bug!

I got to spend the day with my niece. I love this age! I am so thankful that my family let's me spend time with their kids. I missed out on such a sweet time in life with my own kids. She talked non stop all day and said the cutest things. She played with my dogs and laughed so hard. She pounded on the piano and sang old McDonald had a farm. She was my little helper at the store and my buddy for lunch. She asks about my dad (Mark) all grave. She asked me if this is where we were married. I can only imagine what is going through her little brain. We talked to a guy at the cemetery that was setting traps, she immediately made a new friend. I can totally see why we are told to become like a little child. They are so teachable and loving to everyone and everything. Love my Berlynney Bug!

The Liahona

At the store today while my friend and I were buying books we saw this Liahona. We jokes how that would have been nice to have. As I've gone throughout the day I have been thinking about our modern day Liahona's and how I don't use them enough. Everyday we can take the time to read the words that were prepared for us in scripture. We can ponder and talk directly with our Heavenly Father through prayer. We can attend our church meetings and partake in the sacrament. We can also enter into the Temples. are just a few modern Liahona's that we have been given. Why did I think this would be nice to have? Why don't I use the ones I've been given everyday and be thankful for the guidance they give. I don't use these like I should in fact, I barely use them at all. I want to have the faith that Nephi had. I want to let the Lord guide me in my life, to show me the best way .

Starting a new chapter doesn't have to be so bad.

It has been 2 1/2 years since I lost the love of my life. It has taken awhile but I am ready to start a new chapter in my life. This chapter will have Mark in it just as much as the last but I have learned that it just has to be in a different way. Starting this new chapter has scared me. I thought that it ment that I had to leave Mark behind me, but I now know that is not how it has to be. I think about him everyday and that will not change. My thoughts of him are getting less sad and more happy. I love to talk about him and hear others talk about him as well. I love to share our story. I am so happy that I can share my story with others. This chapter just like the last won't be easy. I know that there will always be heartache and pain. I know that I have to work so much harder then I ever have. But I also know that my Heavenly Father wants me to be happy. I know that he wants the best for my little family. I am ready to be an instrument in the Lords hands. Let the new chapter begin! Mark, I hope your ready for this new ride.

Marks laugh!

I was having a rough week. I needed some extra strength to make it through. Everyone on face book seemed to be posting all of these things they were doing with their kids or for their kids, or what they were cooking for dinner or how they were loving their gardens! Not me! I just was figuring out how i was going to get all three kids at three different places all at the same time!. I had been praying for several days for some guidance, help, or just a little reassurance that i was doing okay. Well the next morning I was kind of in between sleep and awake. I could hear Mark talking to me. He was telling me that i was doing just fine. That my kids don't have to eat gourmet meals, and that i don't have to have a perfect garden. Then I heard it! His laugh it was as plain as if he was really there. I knew without any question that it was really him. He said that I make him laugh everyday. I just thought of course you are! You think this is really funny me down here trying to do all these thing, yelling at my kids, running around like a chicken with my head cut off!. Only you Mark would think this is funny!