I might not fit in but I love being there!

First of all I want to say that I love the gospel of Jesus Christ I believe it with my whole heart.  I try my hardest everyday to be the best person I can be..... However sometimes I don't feel like it's good enough.   I know it's not my Heavenly Father that is making it so I don't feel good enough because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally because I have felt that love unconditionally...

Since Mark passed away and probably many times before that I have wondered why I don't always fit in to the church and it's mold.  I am not that perfect LDS member that has the perfect marriage with the perfect little family that shows up every Sunday with  bag of church activities with treats to keep their kids entertained during church.  I have never been the Bishops wife,  the young women's president, and the relief society president.  I have never loved visiting teaching and honestly wonder sometimes if my prayers are even heard.  I know many us have been there have not felt like we fit in to the LDS mold.  But honestly I think more of us feel like this then don't.  Even those perfect families that show up every Sunday don't feel like they are that perfect.

  I go to church because I know that is where I need to be.  I go to church because I know that is the best place for my kids to learn the values that I want them to learn because I don't always have the energy to teach them myself.

Well now more then ever I don't fit in.  I have made choices that have made it so I go to church and sit in silence I don't participate anymore for now.  Boy do I feel like I don't fit in..  But guess what I am learning more now then I ever have!  I don't care what others think I am at church because I know that is where I can improve myself.  I am at church because I want to learn about my  Savior and how he can help me.   Is it hard?  Yes...  Is it uncomfortable?  Yes....  Do people say things that hurt my feelings you  bet they do...  But they are people and they are not why I am there.

I have had several people tell me that I am being denied of the blessings that I could be receiving because of what I have done.  Well guess what?  I don't believe that!  I know that I made covenants with my Heavenly Father and I am working through things with my Heavenly Father...  But I don't believe in a Heavenly Father that would take away my blessings or not give me blessings cause of one decision I made.  I have lived a pretty good life for 36 years I have a hard time believing he would abandoned me after making a mistake.  I know that I could push him away but he wouldn't leave me.   I am thankful for my testimony of the Gospel and of forgiveness.   I am thankful for the lesson that I don't have to fit in!  I have never fit in but I'm not at church to fit in I'm at church to learn and grow and understand my Savior Jesus Christ.

I guess by this post I hope maybe I can help one person realize it's okay to not fit in.  Please no mean posts!  I love the church and don't want to hear why you  don't like it.   Thanks.

I am worth it!

I think its kind of funny that my last post was about Love and now I am writing about heartbreak. today I can say that I am thankful for my heartbreak.  Many of you know I had been dating a guy and it has been really hard the last few months.  Well he has chosen to go another direction.  First of all I want to say that I am truly happy for him.  I want the very best for him. I am grateful that he was placed in my life because I have learned so much.  I have nothing negative to say about him.  I can honestly say I have a very unconditional amazing love for him, and want nothing but good things to go his way.  However, that does not mean that it didn't break my heart and hurt more then I ever imagined that it would. 


Here are some of the things that I now know.  I know that I have a lot of love to give and that I will love again.  I am excited to move forward, I'm excited to love again, and I am excited for my new adventure.  I know that there will be more heartache.  I know that it will not always be easy, but I know that I am worth it!! I know that one day I will find that person that will love me and that will love my kids.  I know that loving me is not going to be easy I have a hard situation to understand and to comprehend.  But to someone I will be worth it!! I know now that I am worth it!!

Love!

Love is an incredible thing. I really have been blessed to be able to feel it again. I worried that I would never find it again or that if I did that would mean I would loose what little I had left of Mark. Boy was I wrong! I feel Mark just as much as I did before but he is happy for me. He loves seeing me happy. He loves that I am ready to live again. I have met the most amazing guy. He has an incredible family and seems to be perfect for me and my family. I am so excited to see were this new adventure leads to. I am starting to love everything about him. He is kind, loving, and a great dad to just name a few. I feel safe again which I haven't for the last 4yrs. And most of all I love that he cares about me and my kids and he loves us just the way we are. It is an amazing feeling and I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven for allowing me to have two of the most incredible men love me. I love you Jamie and I am so excited for this new adventure in my life.

Well here we go!!!!!

Well tonight I am filled with many different emotions. I have started seeing a really great guy. I go through the day and can't wait to talk to him. I feel safe with him and like everything is going to be alright. I smile every time I think about him. Yet the sadness is still inside of me. I still miss Mark tremendously. I can't remember if I had wrote this experience down or not. If I have then I'm sorry for repeating it. A few months ago I had a dream or experience with Mark he was able to talk to me. He loved me and that he was proud of the person I was becoming. But then He told me that it was time to let go that someone was prepared to take care of my family and I needed to find him. This was one of the hardest things for me to hear I wasn't ready. I didn't want to have to let go I didn't want to be okay and the pain to go away cause I was afraid I would loose what little I had left of Mark. I didn't want him to go away. This was a scary and hard few weeks in my life maybe one of the hardest. But now finding someone to talk to someone that I can feel safe around again is an amazing feeling. I'm not saying that this guy is the one I don't know yet. I'm just saying that maybe it really is possible. He has given me hope and has made me feel very special again. But does that mean that I have to let go of the little bit of Mark that I feel I have left. I sure hope not!! I have felt the scared and loneliness for so long now I didn't realize I could be so happy and scared all at the same time. I am excited for my new adventure. I know that Mark is right there by my side leading me and leading whoever it is that is being prepared to take care of me and my kids. I just hope whoever it is ready!!! What an amazing person this is going to be. We are a bunch of CRAZY CRAGUNS!!!

30 days of service!

So my kids are driving me crazy! I am working and they are stuck at home. We are fighting like crazy! We are going to do an experiment and see how it works. Starting today each of us are going to do an act of service for someone everyday. We have a family journal that we are each going to record our service and how we felt. They say if you are serving others you will be happy! Here we go!

Maybe it was a dream or maybe it was real!

Grief is a hard thing, and something I don't think anyone really understands. There are definitely some days even 4 years later that feel almost like those first few weeks that I lost Mark. I have been very fortunate to have had some dreams that have allowed me to have a few very real conversations with Mark. Today was one of those days. But man this one hurt but I know with out a dought it was probably the exact push or more like a huge shove forward that I need. (Mark was always trying to push me to be a better person and it was not always easy for I was able to lay with him but this time he told me that I needed to let him go and that I needed to move forward. And man did that break my heart. I don't want him to leave me! I'm not ready! As I went through the day the tears continued to fall all day long. But I also was able to feel a very strong unbreakable love from my sweetheart. I know without a dought that he wants me to live my life. That he wants me to be happy and to love! I know that my family is his number one priority. I know that he loves me and that he is mine forever. I just wish he could be mine right now but we both know he can't. I love him so much and can't imagine having anyone else. But I know he is helping preparing someone perfect for his family. But knowing all this doesn't make it easier. Maybe it was just a dream but these dreams sure feel real.

The Crazy Mom!

AM I THE ONLY CRAZY MOM? Being a mom is hard work! Being a single mom is a piece of cake! I claim crazy then it becomes easy. You can leave your kids and most of the time someone will bring them home. Oh man, it gets a little embarrassing the more it happens. Then it's really bad when your kid asks her friend if she can borrow her moms phone and the friend says, "MOM can Miyuki use your phone her mom forgot her." And Miyuki didn't even say that's why she needed the phone. Well today was definatly one of those Crazy mom days. Get the kids out the door to school (which by the way is never a peaceful experience). But really today it was only one kid cause the other two were sick, but still not a peaceful experiance. Then head to work. While on my way to work I tell my sister in law I can come over and cut hair no problem I will be up in Morgan anyway. Then get a reminder from the principle we have a meeting scheduled the same time. So I have to leave work a little early to get there on time. Cancel cutting hair and make arrangements for them to come to my house later. We meet with principle (dont you worry my kids are perfect!). Then I pick up my niece so my sister doesn't have to drive her to clogging because I have to be there anyway right. Well as I'm driving home I realize Crap! Niyah has soccer practice right now! So a phone call to grandpa to run her down (see times like this I'm glad they are just up stairs and retired). Then I pull up to the house just long enough for Miyuki to hop in the car and head down the canyon to practice. Head back home (few I have a break for a few hours)! Then I remember oh Niyahs at soccer gotta go pick her up, heaven forbid she walk a block and up the hill or cross that buisy street. Now finally a break! Nope text saying dont forget practice for montana tonight at the bowery Noooo! I just sat down! Well Montana isn't feeling well so like a terrible mom I talk him out of going to practice. Bahahaha! A Break! Nope! Niyah comes in Dustins hear for their hair cuts (which I love! Just cause I get to see his cute babies). As I finish up and get talking for an hour I remember oh Crap Miyuki's at clogging and I was supossed to pick her up 45 min ago! meanwhile for the last hour my phone is down stairs with about 15 missed calls. And that is where the conversation came in with Miyuki and her friend! So maybe I forget were my kids need to be fromtime to time! Maybe I forget to pick them up sometimes! But at least there is always a DANCE PARTY in the car where ever we go!